People are forever saying that one of the keys to a happy marriage is learning to compromise. But that's dead wrong. It's marriage counseling pablum. The truth is that the key to a happy marriage is learning to never compromise.

We all know the key to our personal happiness is to resist compromising---to always do what we know is best, to never lower our standards, to be clear on our goals and motivation, and stick to them. Then why would it make sense to compromise in a marriage---with the one person with whom we're supposed to share what's best and true and pure and most right? How can what's truly best for us personally  not also be best for our marriage?

I never compromise in my marriage (of twenty-seven years). "Compromising" means not doing what I want, not saying what I think, not being who I am. What good could possibly come of that? Why would I make myself less honorable a person---less honest, less clear, less thoughtful, less attentive to the truth? Why would I do that to myself or my wife? About anything at hand, I'm either right or wrong. If I'm right, then it's my job to (politely, carefully, kindly) say why I'm right, and my wife's job to listen to me. If, having listened and thought about what I've said, she still thinks I'm wrong, then it's her job to (politely, carefully, kindly) tell me why she thinks that, and my job to listen and think about what she's said.

We both go into that exchange trusting that we'll end up at what's true and best and right. And invariably we do---and then, of course, we always know what to do, and are happy to do it. It's always a pleasure doing what you know is best. The process of arriving at what's best makes for a lot of talking---but, in the end, it means neither one of us ever compromises in our marriage.

It's not possible to "compromise" and not feel resentment about it. If I know what's best, but I don't do it because my wife is insisting that something different is best, there's no way on this earth I'm not going to feel some level of resentment toward her for "making" me do what, in my heart of hearts, I think is wrong. In a marriage, it's just destructively lazy to compromise. "Compromising" means choosing not to do the work it takes to, in parntership with your spouse, discern what's truly right and best. The only reason to do that is because you don't care all that much about what's right and true, or because you don't trust your spouse to be able to peacefully journey with you from wherever she's at to the truth.

Both are terrible. They mean you're staying separate from your spouse.

Marriage shouldn't be one long lesson in how to compromise. It should be one long lesson in how, and why, not to.

Related post: Top 10 Qualities to Look for in a Wife ; Top 10 Tips For Becoming a Better Husband.

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