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Thursday, August 28, 2008Take This Job and Love It!
Ahhh. Labor Day weekend.
A time to reflect on the blessings of our current employment situations. A pause in the schedule when we can offer thanks for meaningful work that utilizes our God-given talents. And, um, a day off.
Maybe unlike others, and definitely in contrast to the ‘70s-era Johnny Paycheck country music ditty which brazenly encouraged the “shoving it” of one’s job, I choose to feel more warm and fuzzy about all of my jobs that I’ve had thus far (well, almost all of them).
And since I am female (hear me roar!), I tend to focus more on the friendships I have made at each career-stop more so than the actual work. I know it’s wacky, crazy, out-of-this-world-ness type of thinking. But that’s just the way I’m wired. People first. Job responsibilities a VERYCLOSE second. (Somewhere, in the giant cosmos of the World Wide Web, my boss has just sighed with relief after reading that.)
So, besides the friendships, what has helped me to feel the love at each workplace on my nearly two-decade career path? What have I learned along the way that has helped me to embrace each job and try to make the most of every opportunity? Well, it’s not rocket science, but I have picked up on a thing or two. And perhaps you have learned some of the same lessons as me. …
To have friends, you have to be a friend. We’ve all been there: the new person in the office. It can be an awkward time for the first couple of weeks or so. Everyone is staring at you as you walk down the hallway, but looks away quickly when you make eye contact. No one invites you to sit with them at the lunch table in the break room. Or you don’t have anyone to whisper with during the weekly staff meeting. But here’s the deal: I have found that if you make the effort (even as the geeky new person!) and go out of your way to stick out your hand and meet others, you will generally be welcomed. You’ll find your group of friends more quickly than you think, if you just try and say “hi.” A friendly smile can help, too.
Zip it. Especially if someone tells you something in confidence. You know how this kind of conversation starts: “I shouldn’t be telling you this, but. …” There have been so many times I have heard this from coworkers (even bosses!) who have told me information that I a) had no business knowing and b) did not want to know. What did I do with this information? I learned quickly that it’s best to file it away and not repeat it. Ever. Unless it is something underhanded (going the way of law-breaking or criminal) that is going on or that could severely jeopardize the company and its success or profitability. But in most cases, it’s best to conveniently forget what you were told. Don’t become known as the coworker who specializes in information propagation. It will get you nowhere. And fast.
Pranks, pranks and more pranks! A little levity anyone? I have loved working for companies that understood that it’s okay to laugh and pull a harmless prank every once in a while—especially if you’re a dedicated worker for the majority of the workday and have the output to show for it. One of my favorite pranks ever pulled involved two other coworkers and literally hundreds of McDonald’s Happy Meal toys. Let’s just say that the target who collected said toys and displayed them in his office’s bookshelf began noticing their decreasing numbers as the months of autumn went by one year. By December, all of the toys had vanished. Buh bye. “Miraculously,” though, they were returned when hand-delivered by a Dominoes Pizza guy in several boxes at the company’s annual Christmas party. It was a Christmas miracle, for sure. “God bless us, every hundredth one!”
Your boss is not the enemy. I’ve found that the better the relationship you have with your boss, the better your job will go. Why hide your weaknesses? Why not admit them and ask for help in improving in these areas? Why not ‘fess up when you’ve messed up or made an error in judgment? Chances are, your boss already knows your flaws. If you discuss them together, it’s so much healthier and will promote more unity between the two of you. The majority of my bosses have wanted for me to succeed and have not been threatened by my abilities or my opinions. And when I became more transparent with them, there was increased mutual respect and our working relationships only improved.
There will always be a weakest link. After about my fourth job, I finally figured this out. “Why do I keep getting stuck working with people who don’t shoulder their part of the load?” “Why are there ALWAYS thorns in my flesh at each of my jobs?” I realized that this will probably always be the case, and that (gasp!) I might be a “weakest link” to someone else. (It also occurred to me that I was the common denominator in all of these situations. Hmmm. Something more to think about.) It really all boils down to the point that we’re all imperfect. And we’re all blind to our blindness. Amen? After that clicked, I began to see my “weakest links” in a different light. I can’t change them, but I can change me and my attitude. And I can try to maintain a standard of excellence in my work and not be someone else’s “weakest link.”
Shocking but true ... you are not always right. Here’s another lesson that it took me a loooooong time to get—partly because I like to be right. And partly because I think my ideas are genius (well, some of the time). When someone else has a great idea or a good solution and you don’t agree with it, take a breath. And then take a moment. Perhaps you are initially reacting this way because you are not the one who came up with the great idea or good solution. Think about it. Are you easily threatened? Or do you have a hard time seeing others in the spotlight (thereby taking away from your “time to shine”)? Even though you may think you are right (and you may be), your idea or solution may not be the best answer for whatever the situation may be or requires. Take time to consider what your coworkers or boss have to say, before running your mouth and trying to take over and “be right.”
Clarity is your friend. Don’t assume. And don’t think that everyone knows what you’re thinking or planning. When you start functioning like this, it’s just a misunderstanding or a potential train wreck waiting to happen. Make the extra effort to make sure that you and your coworkers and your boss are on the same page. Ask questions. And be communicative about what you’re doing. For the most part, people are not mind readers and aren’t checking in with their Magic 8 balls every few hours to figure out what’s going on with you. So help them out by keeping them in the loop.
Do what you say you will do. Making promises or having good intentions just doesn’t cut it. You have to be a person of your word. And if that means your word needs to be very small on a particular day, then so be it. At least make good on it and do what you say you’re going to do. We’ve all worked with someone who promises the moon and delivers … well … next to nothing. Don’t be that type of person for someone else. Your reputation is fragile and valuable. Do what you can to protect it. It goes before you and matters more than you think.
Don’t burn your bridges. Ever. I don’t believe in karma. But I do believe that the world is smaller than we think it is. It is highly likely that you will have some type of business interaction with someone you have worked for or with once again at some point in your career. That could mean needing a referral for a job from a former co-worker, working for the same boss again, or hiring someone you worked with before. There are many ways this can play out. So, don’t think it won’t happen to you. Expect that you will walk across certain bridges again. And whether you have left a company of your own volition, have been laid off or have been fired, try to exit gracefully. Agree to disagree and when you walk away from a job or a business relationship, keep it as classy and as dignified as possible. You never know when you will meet or work together again.
All work and no play makes you a dull worker. In my first job, I chained myself to my desk. Well, not really. But I worked a lot of extra hours because I thought I was supposed to “pay my dues” as a new college graduate. I was at the bottom of the totem pole, and I looked to the examples of other new hires to see how many hours they were logging. Pretty soon, I was zapped. I had no energy and no life, because all of my extra time was spent in the office (even many weekends). I understand that you may need to do more of the grunt work in the early days of your career and put in some additional hours. But do try to find some balance. Engage in some extracurricular activities that speak to your passions and interests. These outlets will fuel you, give you other ways in which to express yourself and you will return to the office each day a more refreshed—and interesting!—worker.
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Monday, August 25, 2008In Search of "The Spanking Spoon"
There have been a lot of “in search of” type of documentaries that have released in recent years. Everything from looking for Noah’s Ark to trying to find out whatever happened to Debra Winger (and other “older” actresses in the Hollywood scene). Go figure.
So in that spirit, I was thinking that it would be interesting to launch an investigation into whatever happened to “the spanking spoon.” ‘Cause I sure haven’t seen it around too much lately—even in Christian circles.
Yes, it seems that the subject of spanking has become almost taboo these days. And I’m not sure why. I guess I grew up in an era when spanking was the norm (the ‘70s). Just as their parents did a generation before them, my mom and dad held fast to “spare the rod, spoil the child.” In fact, it was not out of the norm for me to get one (deserved!) spanking a week—if not more.
And it’s not because my parents were chomping at the bit to wale on me. Nor did they ever get even close to what could be considered child abuse (a fear that is not unfounded in this upside-down day and age, where “right” is “wrong” and “wrong” is “right”).
It was that I was chomping at the bit to test their authority. So something had to be done that nipped this in the bud and brought about submission in my heart.
As a strong-willed child (who I’m sure could have been the inspiration for a dedication in Dr. James Dobson’s popular parenting book, The Strong-Willed Child), I was all about the “no” and the “I don’t want to” and the “why???”
Since my mom stayed home with my sister and me during our formative years, she was the primary disciplinarian in our family. Our first edition of “the spanking spoon” was the hair brush. It could be whipped out quite quickly from a handbag. should I throw a tantrum in the middle of the grocery store or at a fine eating establishment.
As I got older, I moved up to the yard stick. I remember one (comical in hindsight) incident in which my mother was administering spankings to my sister and me with the yard stick. And believe me, she’d given us plenty of warnings and opportunities to change our behavior (we were bickering) and our actions (we were probably hitting or scratching, as girls are wont to do).
It seems that the maternal error in judgment was made in the decision to spank the compliant, first-born child first (my sister). Meanwhile, back in the backyard, I had quietly slipped out of the house and climbed up into the tree house to hide and bide my time.
It didn’t take my mom very long to find me, though. And when she came outside, with trumpet fanfare she announced loudly from the back porch: “Laura Roe MacCorkle, if you don’t come down from that tree house, you’ll have your father to deal with when he comes home from work!”
Oh no … Gasp! … NOT … no, no, no … NOT … NOT DAAAAAAAAAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Faster than an ice cream cone melts outside in the Texas summertime, I scurried down through the tree branches on the backside of the tree. And round and round the base of the tree my mother chased me with the yard stick in her outstretched hand.
During this time, on the other side of the chain-link fence, the six neighbor children stood lined up and watched this spectacle unfold. I’m not sure if they had time to go get the popcorn-and-soft drink combo at the concession stand or not. But I’m sure this race around the trunk was an entertaining display nonetheless.
I really didn’t care what the kids thought anyway. I was more focused on keeping my hind end away from the yard stick. And from my mother.
Eventually, though, I knew I’d have to end the roundabout, and so I raced into the house where I met my fate. Smack. Smack. Smack.
I deserved it. I had disobeyed. And my spanking was the consequence. In my case, it was the only thing that spoke my language and got through my thick head, my strong-willed heart, my stubbornness and my disobedience.
I can only say this: “Thank God my parents spanked me!” Had they not, who knows where I would be today. Granted, I have still made my own foolish choices and share of stupid mistakes over the years as an adult. But I am so thankful that there is a foundation of biblical training and discipline that has informed my life. And it is this way in which I was raised that I am now returning to as an adult.
But looking around me, I wonder how we got from a generation who spanked (responsibly and carefully) and without judgment from the political-correctness police to a day-and-age when parents are negotiating with their children instead of disciplining them. (Did you know that corporal punishment is banned in 24 countries?)
Something is definitely wrong with this picture. I can only surmise that as our culture has drifted further away from the Word and the instruction therein, that we have begun to devise our own methods for what should be the pinnacle of effective punishment. And that seems to mean that "the spanking spoon" is just about extinct.
As a child whose backside benefitted from some swats in my childhood, I know that should I have children one day … well, let me just say that I will search for and I will find that "spanking spoon." And I will use it. Responsibly and carefully. And with love.
My son, do not despise the LORD’s discipline and do not resent his rebuke, because the LORD disciplines those he loves, as a father the son he delights in (Proverbs 3:11-12, NIV).
He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him (Proverbs 13:24, NIV).
Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death (Proverbs 19:18, NIV).
Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it (Proverbs 22:6, NIV).
Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline will drive it far from him (Proverbs 22:15, NIV).
Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death (Proverbs 23:13-14, NIV).
The rod of correction imparts wisdom, but a child left to himself disgraces his mother (Proverbs 29:15, NIV).
Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul (Proverbs 29:17, NIV).
Children obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise—“that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord (Ephesians 6:1-4, NIV).
Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord. Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged (Colossians 3:20-21, NIV).
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Friday, August 22, 2008What My Cats Have Taught Me About Living
If you’ve read my bio paragraph (look to your right, my left), you know that I have two Tonkinese cats.
Their names are Demi and Denté. Sister and brother. Thirteen and ½ years old each (same litter). Though somewhat falling apart physically at this stage in their lives, they’re still pretty “with it” mentally.
Living solo, it’s been a great comfort to me to have these little furry companions over the years. They come running to greet me at the door when I come home (Denté even rolls over so I’ll rub his belly … just like a dog!). They head-butt my face or lick my nose to say “hey, notice me.” And they love to snuggle close by me, under the covers at night.
I couldn’t ask for greater roomies at this stage of my life, as they are a precious source of joy. And in their own little ways, they have even taught me a thing or two about simple living. Or simply living …
Sometimes life bites you on the hind quarters. You can either turn around, stand up to adversity and “fight back.” Or you can walk (or scamper!) away from it. It’s your choice. I see this all the time in my household. It’s the mode du jour. Someone’s always chasing someone and trying to get his or her choppers into a leg, a thigh or a gluteus maximus. Hissing and guttural meowing ensue, and then there’s either confrontation or retreat. Guess it just depends on the circumstances. In the human existence, we can respond to adversity in either way as well. Stand up to it with dignity and courage (if the situation warrants) or walk away (if the alternative shows that nothing will be gained). You must make the choice regarding each situation you encounter in your life journey.
Make sure you’re communicating in a way that others will understand. Demi and Denté are very vocal when they want to communicate with me. This is partly due to the breed (Tonks are talkers!), but it also due to the fact that this is all they know. They don’t give up either. And when they see that I am not responding or did not understand them, then they continue making a communication effort until it is clear that I have understood what they are “saying” to me. Likewise, if you don’t communicate what you want or what you’re feeling, how will others know what’s going on with you? You can’t assume that others will just “know” what you want, need, feel, think, etc. Make sure that you not only send as clear a message as possible, but take the extra step and ensure that your message is understood upon the receiving end. This is imperative for the health and welfare of any relationship.
Love BIG. And if possible, unconditionally. Unless you have personal space issues, who doesn’t love a big hug or welcome from someone who thinks you have hung the moon? Who doesn’t want to be received with open arms and warm fuzzies? Now, unlike Demi and Denté, you may not want to sit in someone’s lap or lick his or her face to express your affection. But why not tell someone how you feel every day? “I love you, Mom. Have I told you that lately?” Or “Holli, you’re such a good friend. Thank you for always being there for me!” Life is short. So make sure your good friends and loved ones know that you care. Tell them—and show them—as often as possible.
Forgive, perhaps forget and move on. I’m not sure if Demi and Denté ever really forget their squabbles with one another. But they sure act like it. One minute, someone is terrorizing someone else. And the next, they’re curled up like yin and yang on a pillow and purring away. It never ceases to amaze me how they can turn on a dime like that. Wouldn’t it be great if we humans could do the same? We might not ever forget our grievances with one another, but perhaps we can learn to put them aside, turn the other cheek and treat one another with kindness no matter what. This is not easy to do, but with time (and spiritual maturity) I believe it is possible. True, there are some people who you may not want to “curl up with,” but perhaps you can get to the point where you’re at least sitting side by side. With no hissing. And no growling.
Be grateful for what you’ve been given. There’s no complaining when I fill up the food dish every other day and dump in the same Iams cat food that Demi and Denté have been eating all of their lives. They race to their food station and patiently wait their turns to partake in the hairball-care-indoor-cat-weight-control-tuna-flavored goodness. Afterward, they lick their chops and get some liquid nourishment to wash it down. It’s their manna, if you will. It’s just what they need for each day in order to give them sustenance. Nothing more. Nothing less. They’ve received what will allow them to survive for that day. What manna are you thankful for your in your life today or any day? Have you turned your nose up at it or have you gratefully accepted it? How can you thankfully receive what God is serving on your plate today?
Rest is good. Sleep is even better. Whatever happened to making a good night’s rest a priority? Nowadays, it’s almost like a badge of courage to say that you get by on only five or six hours a night. Puh-leese! Those of us who are sticklers about getting more than that (yes, that would be me) are the ones who have the last laugh. We know what it feels like to have adequate hours of sleep each night, and what it feels like not to. And we are honest. I have to live with me, and I know how I feel and function when I don’t get at least eight hours of sleep. I’m dragging, I’m not creative and I’m surely not chipper. Not a good thing. A cat’s average amount of sleep per day is about 13 to 18 hours. Hello! I think Demi and Denté probably sleep around this much, and it’s seemed to keep their eyes bright, their spirits up and their coats silky smooth. Sleep definitely does them—inside and out—a load of good.
Change your position to get a better perspective. I often see Demi and Denté perched on their cat condo (a narrow, carpeted tower w/multiple levels). They spend time sitting on it, while looking out the window or turned around and facing the master bedroom. From this vantage point, they are able to get a good look around them and see their little world from a more informed point of view. In my life, I’ve learned that my perceptions (from my limited vantage point) are very often inaccurate. What I think is truth or what someone else’s intentions are … well, let’s just say I’m wrong more than I’m right. If I take the time to see a situation from someone else’s point of view or talk with them about where they’re coming from—or even just take some time to ponder and pray before jumping to conclusions—then I realize how off I am. It’s good to look at an issue from different perspectives, and that usually takes some time and a step up to a more mature level.
Be gracious and give others some space. Sometimes, if one of my cats gets “all up in the business” of the other, well then it’s not so good. Inevitably, someone’s paw will pop someone else on the head. And then brows will furrow. And then ears will turn backward. And then … well, you get the picture. This reminds me that we all need to allow one another our own space in life. Sometimes we don’t know what is best for others, even if we think we do and are dying to tell them and plan out their entire lives for them. Also, we don’t have to always be right, be “helpful” or have the last word. Something I’ve learned from my mother is that silence is truly golden. Don’t offer advice to someone unless they ask you. No one likes to feel like they are being patronized or talked to in a condescending manner. Treat others respectfully (even if you disagree!) and be considerate. Know that God is handling things and that his plan for someone else's life is perfect.
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Wednesday, August 20, 2008This Isn't the Way It Was Supposed to Happen
Last night, I watched my television in utter disbelief as track-and-field star LoLo Jones stumbled and fell in the '08 Olympic finals of the 100-meter hurdles.
My heart ached for this American athlete who was heavily favored to win this race and whose back story could probably be a movie-of-the-week (raised by a single mother and moving from apartment to apartment with four other siblings throughout her life; they even lived in a church basement for a while).
Here, in less than 60 seconds, her years of practice and training and strict eating requirements meant nothing. Her goal was in sight, but a collision with the 10th barrier caused her to stumble and fall short of first place. She ended up crossing the finish line in 7th place.
At that moment, I wondered what was going through LoLo’s mind. She collapsed to the racetrack and got on her knees. With her hands on her head, I’m sure she must have thought: This isn’t the way it was supposed to happen!
All of the preparation, all of the strategy, all of the expectations—it meant nothing at all at that point. But apparently, this was what was supposed to happen.
Had I my own children or had my teenaged niece and nephew been watching with me, I would have discussed this incident with them. I’m sure we would have tossed around questions such as …Why did God allow this to happen to her? Does she have a right to be upset or angry? Should she give up or keep trying and hold out hopes for the 2012 Olympics? What would you do if something you had worked so hard for just slipped through your fingers? How should we respond to loss and dissapointment in our lives? What is the right attitude to have?Later in the broadcast, the television cameras caught a shot of LoLo leaning against the wall underneath the stands, crying her eyes out. It was a private moment that definitely showed the agony of defeat. I winced a little and thought perhaps I shouldn’t be seeing this personal scene. But it reminded me that we are all human. We are not machines. We feel and we hurt and we must process what obstacles and defeats come our way, whether in an Olympic race or in everyday life. Our tears and our audible cries help us to do that. It is a natural expression.
Other athletes in the ’08 Olympics have tasted defeat or eventual outcomes that probably weren’t what they thought was supposed to happen either: Nastia Liukin "tying" another gymnast’s score but still not winning the gold medal in the uneven bars; Sanya Richards not winning the gold in the 400-meter race for which she was the favorite.
Thanks to television, we’re given a very up-close-and-personal look at these athletes and their responses to dissapointments in competition—whether it makes us uncomfortable or not. And I think it’s only natural that we, the spectators, want to process these feelings and situations as well. What would we do? How would we respond? And what can we learn?
First, we can take comfort in the fact that world-class athletes are human, just like you and me. They must deal with loss and dashed expectations, too. We are not alone in this regard.
Also, we have the power to control how we respond in these situations. Will we choose to learn from loss or will we become bitter and point the finger of blame or responsibility at anything or anyone else? Will we respond with dignity and class or will we lower ourselves to a victim’s-mentality level?
In some cases in life, it really just doesn't feel fair. You may have done everything possible, gone the extra mile, dotted all the i’s and crossed all the t’s … and still, still it’s not good enough. And you don’t “win” or achieve the outcome you were working toward and thought would happen.
Sanya Richards, who had the third fastest time in the world and the second fastest in the field before her 400-m race, had only 80 meters left to go when a hamstring cramp slowed her down. As she rounded the final curve, her course was unexpectedly changed. And her destiny was forever altered.
Afterward, she said this regarding her botched attempt for the gold: “… I feel like everything happens for a reason. I just don’t know what this one is … I don’t know what lesson I have left to learn.”
No blaming. No finger-pointing. No cursing. Just questioning. And hurting. Why? And how? And what am I supposed to do now?
What better response can any of us have to dissappointment in life? Yes, our hearts will break, but we need to keep them open and ready to receive whatever instruction is coming from the Lord. What do you want me to learn from this loss in my life? How can I be an example to others of your goodness and faithfulness to me despite this heartache?
It’s not easy to rally back when something happens that makes you say: “This isn’t the way it was supposed to happen!” But I think it’s this time of response to whatever God wants to teach us and work out in our lives that is what is most important.
Later on, as time has passed and hopefully some wounds have begun to heal, perhaps then we can look back and say: “This is exactly what was supposed to happen. Thank you, Lord, for carrying me through. I will boast in my weakness and delight in your strength. You are my God and my rock. You are working in me! And in you, I will put my trust.”
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. …
Therefore, we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us a glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:8-9, 16-18, NIV
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Tuesday, August 19, 2008How a Man Knows He's Met His Future Wife
QUESTION: When you met your future spouse, did you immediately know that’s who he or she was?
This is a question that I have loved asking couple friends of mine for years now. I’m always fascinated to hear both sides of the story and what each was thinking when they first met.
Usually, though, it is the man’s interpretation and recollection of past events that is most interesting to me, as it seems that men don’t know as quickly as women do when they’ve met their future spouses. Females seem to clue in to what’s going on (and have settled on a particular man and determined what course their relationship should travel) way ahead of men. And so they wait (sometimes not so patiently) until the objects of their affections are ready to take the next step.
Since I haven’t asked anyone this question in a while—and since it’s always good to hear from the male perspective—I thought I’d chat up my colleague and Crosswalk’s Faith Editor Shawn McEvoy and see what his experience was like when he first met his wife Valerie (and let’s just say up front that he defies the odds).
Did he see skyrockets in the air like Peter Brady did whenever he was with his first crush, Millicent, on an episode of The Brady Bunch? Did Valerie meet every requirement that Shawn had written down on a “This Is What My Wife Should Be Like” list? Or did he just “know”?
Find out in today’s chat about true love and “hey, I think I’ve met my future wife!” revelations …
Laura Mac says: Okay. So I have a question o' love for you today, Coworker Shawn. Here goes: When you met your future wife, did you immediately know that’s who she was?Shawn McEvoy says: Short answer: Yes, I did. Long answer: There were three girls in my lifetime I thought I would marry. I only married the third of them, who was the only one it would have worked with, and the only one I felt a pretty immediate, pretty certain conviction about. It wasn't infatuation; it was connection. It was a sense that this was real and was going to happen even though reality (she was moving several states away for grad school only two months after our first date) said otherwise.
Laura Mac says: Did you have a list of "This Is What My Wife Should Be Like" requirements or how open were you to someone who could be your future wife?
Shawn McEvoy says: I never kept a list. And in fact, I've found that is a much more female thing to do. And I hope I'm not generalizing saying that; it’s just that I have never known a guy with "a list," and just about every woman I've had this conversation with has or had one. That said, I just always knew that the only way I would "just know" involved her being a sold-out Christian, and having the undefinable "it factor" about her.
Shawn McEvoy says: I did have preferences: I like smart women, I like opinionated women, I liked poised women who also show vulnerability when appropriate. But these just happened to all be there in the person who I "just knew" I would marry.
Laura Mac says: So, perhaps women over-think things too much in terms of what Mr. Right should be like. And then men just take it one step at a time and go with what feels right when they meet someone.
Shawn McEvoy says: That could be correct. I mean, I'm married. Committedly. But I still meet women who intrigue me and make me wish some guy would learn how wonderful this person is. I often think I could have "made" marriage work with, not anyone, but with not just Valerie. In other words, I never was looking for "the one." Oddly though, I just trusted God would show/bring one who would be a perfect fit (though "perfect" is a COMPLETELY relative term). If there is one thing 10 years of marriage has shown me, it's that marriage is full-time work even with the right person. I can't imagine going through it with the wrong person. Which is why I am so glad I never settled, or forced myself to be confined to a list, or decided an age at which I had to be married.
Laura Mac says: That's good info for us singletons to hear (and to read). Okay, so back to singling out Valerie. How was she different than the other two female candidates who you thought you could have married? What made her stand apart?
Laura Mac says: Or can that even be put into words? Was it just a feeling or a "knowing"?
Shawn McEvoy says: I dated my first love for 4 1/2 years, but that began when I was 17. And we kind of destroyed our own chances there, what few chances we had since we were both so young anyway (though we didn't think of ourselves as young at the time). I used to think if I didn't get married by 22, or find my mate at our Christian college, then something went horribly wrong.
Shawn McEvoy says: The second time I was in love that way, again, I didn't know it at the time, but we were really from two different worlds.
Shawn McEvoy says: I give those examples not to speak ill of those women, but to say that I think only with the help of those experiences as contrast was I able to "just know" when I met Valerie. We were mature. We captured each other's attention. We conversed EXTREMELY well, were very interested in what each other had to say, found uncanny things we had in common, realized we shared similar beliefs born out of similar backgrounds.
Shawn McEvoy says: I think she knew just as quickly as I did, but she either denied it, failed to recognize it, or just saw the idea of "us" as too impossible to worry about when she was preparing for graduate school. But I always knew she knew. And she will admit I am right. Because I made her laugh, she didn't steamroll me in conversation, and she was just drawn magnetically toward a depth she saw in me.
Shawn McEvoy says: The biggest difference is that I knew a lot more that I would like to AT LEAST date her just by meeting her and seeing her, whereas she never really thought of me that way until AFTER we'd had a date.
Laura Mac says: That's interesting. But when did she finally admit that there was a connection there and that she felt the same way about you? Was it several months after she moved away or sooner than that?
Shawn McEvoy says: It was the night before she moved away, and it broke my heart when she said good-bye and I looked out my apartment window and saw her stop outside and weep audibly.
Laura Mac says: Yowza. That’s serious.
Shawn McEvoy says: BUT ... then she did move away, and while I was always trying to get her to look at the reasons why we COULD make it rather than the reasons it wouldn't work, we did both agree to let her get into the flow of her program, which involved a pretty prestigious assistantship. But we wrote. We called. We flew to see each other. She invited me to her folks' house that winter for Christmas. A major reason we're together today is that she was a whiz back then at finding discount long-distance rates and air fare.
Laura Mac says: Note to Self: Become a whiz at finding discount long-distance rates and travel deals to aid in securing Mr. Right.
Shawn McEvoy says: Amen. Opens up a world of possibilities. Which, by the way, is another reason not to have a "list." Valerie had one, and it involved not having a long-distance relationship. Well ...
Laura Mac says: Oh, THAT is interesting, too. I am loving hearing about this!
Shawn McEvoy says: The best advice I got? Which I only recognized in hindsight. … That second girlfriend … she told me (just a couple weeks before she broke up with me) that she believed God would only show me the one to marry when I became completely comfortable just being at one with Him. We all KNOW that. But I think I finally internalized it, which is the only reason I was pretty relaxed about the whole situation where Val moved away (I trusted it would work out in the way I truly felt/believed), which was a huge no-pressure help to our growing relationship.
Laura Mac says: So ... maybe I should start pursuing becoming a nun. And then see what happens?
Shawn McEvoy says: I know you are being silly of course, but that would be playing games. Which incidentally is the other reason I just knew—neither of us played games with each other or with God. It just helped things be so clear. And I believe it is a big reason why we communicate so well to this day. Which, if we didn't have THAT? I don't know how we'd make it.
Laura Mac says: Yeah. I was just playing with you. So … you both learned to just let go of trying to make something happen. And when you did, God worked it all out for you two.
Shawn McEvoy says: Sounds corny, but ... yes.
Shawn McEvoy says: OH!
Shawn McEvoy says: Reason 12c on "How I Just Knew" … this didn't come (or at least wasn't realized until later, but) ... one day I woke up and realized that no matter who Valerie talked to, where we went, whatever—I wasn't jealous. There wasn't a drop of jealousy, anywhere. That had NOT been a factor of ANY of my previous relationships in life. It was CRAZY. There was implicit and explicit trust. It was SO freeing and made it so obvious.
Laura Mac says: Wow. That is a light-bulb moment, for sure.
Shawn McEvoy says: That's exactly what it was.
Laura Mac says: Well, you guys had an instant connection. But do you think it's possible for some couples to NOT have the instant connection but to have a "delayed connection"? Meaning, it could take a while for one or both to figure it out?
Shawn McEvoy says: I actually wonder if my wife might not tell you if she experienced it that way to some extent. And I think plenty of couples do. In fact, I often ponder whether that's "the best" way to build a marriage—not have the expectations first, and let it just be borne out of a friendship that one day wakes up to see the other person in new eyes. I think a lot of potentially great marriages never come to be because of individuals being too afraid to lose a great friendship.
Laura Mac says: Right. I sense that with a lot of friends. What would you say to someone whose heart is saying one thing, but the head is saying another? And by that I mean, it's a good thing staring them in the face but they are too afraid to take a risk?
Shawn McEvoy says: I would (and have) pointed out that I would pay more attention—not flippantly—to what the heart is saying. God looks at the heart, he gives us the desires of our heart, and he never gives a spirit of fear. If you feel comfortable about where you are with him, then live and move and have your being … it's easy for me to say, I realize—I'm married. AND I've always handled hurt relatively well in that it doesn't keep me from loving/trusting again, getting back on the horse. I find vulnerability both becoming and necessary in building and finding the relationship that will last. So don't just "jump in" without thought to what the heart is saying. But give it a good long look, pray over it, trust it ... trust it more than head-thoughts that speak fear or worry. Instead, use that head for LEGIT warning signals, because like I said, to have "settled" and either ignored or failed to consider what my head could have told me would have been disastrous.
Laura Mac says: Very good insights, Doc McEvoy. I appreciate your time today and your honesty. And hopefully so will some of our single readers.
Laura Mac says: Please give Valerie our hugs and thumbs up!
Shawn McEvoy says: No problem! Please let them know that Valerie and I were single and independent until we were both almost 29, so it's not like we never knew singlehood.
Laura Mac says: That's a great—and encouraging—point. I will. Thanks again!
