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Tuesday, September 2, 2008Christian Self Defense
Many Christians were told as children that all forms of conflict are wrong. Their religious instruction included the command never to respond when others tried to hurt them emotionally with words, physically with fists, or relationally with lies and rumors. They were to accept abuse because it was from God’s hand to form character in them (most notably, humility). When they were bullied at school, they were told they were being persecuted for righteousness’ sake, even when the abuse had nothing to do with morality.Complicating matters is that many came from homes that either avoided conflict completely. (Or, they witnessed violent and abusive conflict; either way, they never saw conflict handled constructively.) In their environments, conflict was swept under the rug, and they were schooled in the ways of peace-faking, not peacemaking. They didn’t witness how well-handled conflict can bless an individual or an entire family, and they didn’t learn that conflict will be a part of every life lived well. As a result, these children as adults often have disastrous marriages, entered into with naïve beliefs and stunted relational abilities.
In stark contrast to this way of life, both the Old and New Testaments are replete with conflict, often accompanied with God’s approval and favor. However, Paul’s admonishment "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone" (
Romans 12:18 ) has been taken to mean that we should never “disturb the peace.” Here’s something we need to know: this is absolutely true, when it applies to actual peace. Where there is real peace, we are to keep peace. But where there is not peace, we are to make peace, and that can require conflict. Peace is not merely the absence of tumult; peace means that things have been made right, and where they have not been made right, it is wrong to pretend perpetually that there is peace, justice, respect, and goodwill (see, for example, Jeremiah 6:14).Parents who teach their children that all conflict is wrong are telling their kids that being a punching bag will somehow show others Christian love. True peace, true justice, true respect, and true goodwill become distorted for these kids, and they often become doormats. Even when they reach adulthood, a deceitful boss is likely to sniff them out, employ them, and mistreat them, knowing they won’t speak up or push back. He knows they won’t point out real problems or walk into conflict, because they mistake retaliation for self-defense.
“Turning the other cheek” does not mean we aren’t allowed to defend ourselves. It means, for example, that we are not to return an insult with an insult—it means we aren’t to respond to evil with evil. When I share this with Christian Nice Guys, a palpable sigh usually fills our conversation. Then a common anger, mingled with shame, comes out of men when they think about what they allowed others to do to them without resistance.
As a parent, you’ve probably experienced that doing the right thing in life doesn’t always earn applause. It can cause others to attack you even more. It takes tremendous backbone to stand up to such pressure. The only way you can pass that strength on to your children as you spiritually educate them is by continuing to cultivate it yourself.
When people follow Christ, they become neither pacifists nor Jihadists. We become truth bearers, redemption seekers—bearers of light in a world at war with the Real. We are called to exert our will, in line with God’s, to carry out His purpose on earth. Sometimes this includes conflict. Our participation in God’s redemptive work requires the tougher virtues, such as discipline, perseverance, and fortitude. We are required to use force justly, wisely, and in the service of love, which isn’t always comfortable, pleasant, or nice.
Another hallmark of timid, ineffective living is the teaching that what a person needs to do is “give her problems to Jesus” and then get out of the way. This false premise negates the involvement of her will and her choices in forging spiritual maturity and moral fiber. One man who contacted me for help told me this when I started asking questions that pushed him out of his Nice Guy comfort zone: “Thank you. But all I really need to do is to give my problems to Jesus and let him do the work.” This standard operating procedure of fearful people takes true facts about our faith—in this case Jesus’ desire and ability to help us with our troubles—and manipulates them in order to hide form both terror of conflict and responsibility for actions.
God works with us to help us heal and mature and become more like His Son (e.g., see Romans 8:29; 2 Corinthians 3:18; Ephesians 2:10). His role is indispensable. But so is ours. Augustine described this in saying that man’s will is to God’s grace and direction “as the horse is to the rider.” It takes both to get anywhere. God expects us to take an active role in our lives (e.g., see Matthew 7:5; I Corinthians 10:28; Philippians 2:12-13), through both intent and decisions.
Why are many kids told that their only "spiritual work" is praying and reading their Bibles, and that all else pretty much meddles with what God wants to do in them? Successful people who live abundantly don’t think this way. They understand that their will and their choices have a large impact on the quality of their lives and on their ability to love and bless others. Writes Dallas Willard, professor of philosophy at USC:
The enemy of our time is not human capacity, or over-activism, but the enemy is passivity—the idea that God has done everything and you are essentially left to be a consumer of the grace of God and that the only thing you have to do is find out how to do that and do it regularly. I think this is a terrible mistake and accounts for the withdrawal of active Christians from so many areas of life where they should be present. It also accounts for the lack of spiritual growth, for you can be sure that if you do not act in an advised fashion consistently and resolutely you will not grow spiritually. We all know that Jesus said, in John 15, “without me you can do nothing.” We need to add, “if you do nothing, it will be most assuredly without him.”
As we’ve noted, much of today’s Christianity overemphasizes gentle virtues and underemphasizes rugged virtues. The latter are essential in helping children mature in their faith and live abundant lives. Ignoring the broader council of God is spiritual neglect.
One example I give in workshops, seminars, and conferences is among the most potent and haunting statements Jesus made. He said, in sending His followers out into the world like sheep among wolves: “Be wise as serpents and innocent as doves” (Matthew 10:16 NRSV). The Greek word for “wise,” phronimos, can likewise be translated as “cunning” or “shrewd.” Jesus wants followers who are streetwise, who
are on constant alert, looking for angles, surviving by their wits. I want you to be smart in the same way—but for what is right—using every adversity to stimulate you to creative survival, to concentrate your attention on the bare essentials, so you’ll live, really live, and not complacently just get by on good behavior. (Luke 16:9 THE MESSAGE)
Almost sounds blasphemous, doesn’t it? Not getting by on good behavior (complacency)? Not waiting for God’s green light or miraculous intervention (passivity)? Not making sure we have all the right answers before making a decision (timidity)? Aren’t these what being a Christian is all about? According to Jesus, in His own words, no.
Our need for this kind of wisdom—for both followers and leaders—is greater than we realize. Of the thirteen character traits the Barna Group tested for among more than 1,300 Christian leaders, wisdom came in dead last. We are perilously out of balance. Believers, beginning in Sunday school, wrongly have been told that piety alone will pave the road to an abundant, God-glorifying life. Jesus never said this. He wants us to marry virtuous living to wise living.
The problem for many of us is that wise living isn’t always comfortable or pleasant. A wise person is sometimes hard to get along with. And a wise parent sometimes appears mean. Says Marilyn Chandler McEntyre:
One of my husband’s finer moments in parenting came one day when, after he had uttered an unwelcome word of correction to a disgruntled child, he leaned down, looked her in the eye, and said, “Honey, this is what love looks like.” Love, in that case, must have seemed to her a far cry from nice.
Here’s another example. We often preach the virtue of generosity to our children without teaching an end to wise generosity. More so, a time when generosity with valuable things (God’s holy Word, our resources, energy, and talents) is sinful: “Do not give what is holy to the dogs; nor cast your pearls before swine, lest they trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you in pieces” (Matthew 7:6 NKJV). How can one tell the difference between smart generosity and stupid generosity? You guessed it: the wisdom of serpents, which we aren’t born with. We need to learn more about it so we can practice it—starting in Sunday school.
Why is valuable wisdom so rare? I don’t know all the answers, but I know a few. Wisdom, like humility, helps us see life more clearly. With this clarity comes inevitable decisions: for instance, continue down a sinful path, or repent by turning from lies and move in a God-glorifying direction. The choice seems easy until you count the cost. For many, wisdom is too demanding—it often requires change. We often prefer our illusions.
Virtuous living without wise living is not only wasteful, it may well make you an accomplice to evil, as drug counselors demonstrate when well-meaning family members enable kin to continue their destructive lifestyles. Personal piety may give the impression that we’re doing good works when we really aren’t. Marry virtue to wisdom during the spiritual training of your children; then you’ll truly be giving them the tools they need for a successful life and increase their ability to bless others as well.
Paul Coughlin is the author of numerous books, including No More Christian Nice Guy and No More Jellyfish, Chickens or Wimps. He also co-authored a book for married couples with his wife Sandy, titled Married But Not Engaged. His articles appear in Focus on the Family magazine, and he as been interviewed by Dr. James Dobson, FamilyLife Radio, HomeWord, Newsweek, C-SPAN, The New York Times, and the 700 Club among others. Paul is founder of The Protectors, the faith-based answer to adolescent bullying, which provides curriculum for Sunday Schools, private schools, retreats, and individuals that trains people of faith to be sources of light in the theater of bullying.
Visit Paul's websites at: http://www.theprotectors.org, and http://www.paulcoughlin.net
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Tuesday, August 19, 2008Worm Theology
Many believers have been given what’s called worm theology. The name comes from the Isaac Watts hymn “Alas! And Did My Savior Bleed,” one line of which says, “Would He devote that sacred head for such a worm as I?” Those who adhere to this view of life contend that low self-worth means God is more likely to show mercy and compassion upon them. Worm theology convolutes low self-worth with humility.
Many were told as kids that they are worthless in and of themselves—that they possess no inherent value, even though the Bible says that all people are created in God’s image, endowing them with innate value and worth. Making matters worse is that people who come from tough childhood experiences such as abuse and neglect have what a counselor friend calls shame Velcro. They are actually attracted to systems of belief that demean them.
After speaking to an audience in
Worm theology pulls a child down, filling her with nagging insecurities about her value and significance. It’s as if parents, genuinely concerned that their children will grow up prideful and arrogant, want to make sure that this won’t happen, however, instead of helping their kids build self-respect and confidence in humility, their instruction and discipline ensure that life will pass them by, leading to bitterness and sometimes rage toward the Lord.
The apostle Paul wrote that we shouldn’t think more about ourselves than we ought; rather, we should use “sober judgment” in our self-assessment (Romans 12:3). Sober judgment means being realistic. It doesn’t mean we should pretend we don’t have gifts when we do, or that we should pretend we have talents, gifts, and abilities when we don’t. Paul is telling us to be honest and realistic, not to despise ourselves.
Telling children they’re worthless is the rhetoric of despair—especially during adolescence when worries of inferiority often hit their peak. And it’s especially damaging to children who already think they’re defective, that something is deeply wrong inside of them, not because they sin, but because they are “bad” and not as valuable as other kids. They won’t allow themselves to believe they’re good at anything; they will ward off compliments, and if people kick them around…well, isn’t that what happens to worthless objects?
One of the most common ways a child deals with feelings of worthlessness, writes Dr. Dobson, “is to surrender, completely and totally.”
[This person withdraws into a] shell of silence and loneliness, choosing to take no chances or assume unnecessary emotional risks. This person would never initiate a conversation, speak in a group, enter a contest, ask for a date, run for election, or even defend his honor when it is trampled…As comedian Jackie Vernon once said, “The meek shall inherit the earth, because they’ll be too timid to refuse it.”
Dale Ryan is CEO of Christian Recovery International, the parent organization of the National Association for Christian Recovery. Many of the people seeking help struggle with this understanding of God and are unable to live whole, God-glorifying lives. Ryan writes:
Does God avoid us because we are sinners? If you have any doubt, any hesitation, about the answer to this question, I urge you to go back to the Bible. Did God avoid us? Is it not just the opposite? Did not God come to us? When God saw our pain, our brokenness, our defects of character, our insanity, what did God do? God came. Here. To be with us. To save us. To make a new kind of life possible for us. God’s holiness is not the fragile kind that would be tainted by contact with broken, bent, damaged people. Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who did not hide himself from our hopeless situation. God saw. God came—not to punish, not to nag, not to shame. Thank God that we were not worthless “worms” to God! We were, and are, precious, valuable. Wanted, a source of delight to God. That’s just basic Bible. It may take a long time for this truth to sink in, but it’s not really fancy theology. It’s Christianity 101…
We have learned very broken ways to think and feel about ourselves. In recovery we struggle not to just think better about ourselves, but to do an honest self-assessment…Part of this self-assessment involves doing a “fearless moral inventory.” The content of our inventory can be a pretty discouraging and disturbing list. But the process of doing our inventory is to be characterized by fearlessness. What does “fearless” mean? Certainly it means that we will be courageous while working on our inventory. But more specifically it means that we will seek to be so secure in God’s love for us that no matter what we find in our inventory, we will know that we are still loved, still valuable, still of infinite importance to our Higher Power. It is only love that can sustain us when we experience the fear that comes from shame, from rejection, from resentments and from guilt. We seek to do a fearless inventory because we want God to so fill us with love that little room remains for fear. May God grant you the grace this day to think and feel about yourself in ways that are consistent with how your loving and grace-full Father thinks and feels about you.
Jim, a talented artist, did not take a promotion at work that would have allowed his wife to stay home with their children, a dream of hers, because he didn’t think he was good enough for the job, even when multiple supervisors assured him he was. “I was told as a kid in my Christian home that I shouldn’t go around thinking I was better than other kids. But I was better at art than other kids. My teachers told me. But I pretended I wasn’t.”
Jim denied his gift instead of embracing it. Like so many Christian Nice Guys, Jim lives with one foot on the gas, the other on the brakes. He wastes tremendous amounts of energy trying to resolve inner dialogues that haunt him. He wants to be the best artist he can be, yet he thinks God doesn’t want him to be successful. He has the tools necessary to provide well for his family, but he’s waiting for God’s permission to thrive. He’s waiting for the green light, but his spiritual training says it’s going to stay red.
Such struggles were told that believing you’re good at something makes you “worldly.” I remember one preacher’s family that lived out this principle. When their son once told his ten-year-old sister, “I’m good at baseball,” she scolded, “You’re not supposed to say that—it’s bragging.”
Being a coach, that was especially sad for me to witness. As kids grow up and play at higher levels, they become pretty well physically matched and similarly skilled. What often makes the difference in an athlete is his belief in himself, which helps him approach his sport with confidence. This can spill into arrogance (as anyone who watches professional sports has seen), and arrogance isn’t good. But false humility isn’t good, either. Like arrogance, self-denigration is dishonesty about who we are, and it easily spills over into unfulfilled potential, leading to anguish and, if unchecked, bitterness.
This concern isn’t limited to athletics. For instance, I am continually grateful that Clive Staples Lewis did not grow up in the kind of “nice” Christian home that teaches children to pretend their gifts are merely average. The world may well have been deprived of the blessings wrought through his phenomenal talents had fake humility and false piety been foisted upon him; these fallacies sink so many believers from being agents of true redemption. C.S. Lewis did notice these distortions within Christian circles, and he opposed them:
We may be content to remain what we call “ordinary people”: but He is determined to carry out a quite different plan. To shrink back from that plan is not humility: it is laziness and cowardice. To submit to it is not conceit or megalomania; it is obedience.
More than a hundred biblical passages warn against pride, the sin of self-sufficiency. Yet we must take care to understand what we’re actually being warned against: haughtiness, contempt, arrogance, self-aggrandizement, the idea that we need nothing and no one. This is false belief about ourselves—belief that we’re something we’re not. And that’s pride.
Conversely, believing, affirming, and embracing who we truly are, who God made us to be, and how He has gifted us, is not pride. That is honesty, that is wisdom, and, as Lewis said, that is obedience.
Paul Coughlin is the author of numerous books, including No More Christian Nice Guy and No More Jellyfish, Chickens or Wimps. He also co-authored a book for married couples with his wife Sandy, titled Married But Not Engaged. His articles appear in Focus on the Family magazine, and he as been interviewed by Dr. James Dobson, FamilyLife Radio, HomeWord, Newsweek, C-SPAN, The New York Times, and the 700 Club among others. Paul is founder of The Protectors, the faith-based answer to adolescent bullying, which provides curriculum for Sunday Schools, private schools, retreats, and individuals that trains people of faith to be sources of light in the theater of bullying.
Visit Paul's websites at: http://www.theprotectors.org, and http://www.paulcoughlin.net
Visit
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Tuesday, August 5, 2008The Dangers of a "Nice" Christian Upbringing
The people to whom I provide individual instruction have noticeable talents and abilities. Many are more talented than they realize, more talented than they will allow themselves to admit. For example, one popular Christian speaker has a potent testimony about the power for forgiveness, but she’s unable to spread her life-changing message to more people because of her spiritual education. She was told throughout childhood that believers should shun accomplishment in order to remain humble and avoid becoming prideful. Her success in ministry is causing her great internal turmoil, the main reason she hasn’t been in public for some time now. Her well-meaning but naïve and destructive life-script has stopped her from sharing sparkling insights that set people free from hatred and bitterness.
Yes, these people have noticeable talents and abilities. But, of course, so do their peers. The fearful and the timid compete for jobs and spouses with one hand tied behind their back. They possess a self-handicap. They won’t allow themselves to live successfully, in large part because they don’t think God wants them to be successful.
These nice Christians who grew up as nice kids don’t finish last—that’s a common misconception that blurs the real problem. Nice Christians finish in life’s frustrated middle, never getting to abundance, filled with inner angst, always playing defense, and usually filling out divorce papers at least once (sometimes more) during their beleaguered lifetime. Some never get to marriage because they’re so nice as to be unattractive to potential spouses. Their passive approach toward life often leads them to the passive worlds of fantasy and pornography.
I’ve instructed attorneys, doctors, landscapers, even a Sunday school teacher whose students would not respect him. Each is thoughtful, considerate, and warm. Many possess abilities that others crave. Yet each has a soul controlled by timidity, fear, and anxiety.
They usually hadn’t much considered their backgrounds and experiences until their lives fell apart. They didn’t seek or find help before they fell in love, married, had children, a mortgage, ailing parents. There were warning signs, but they didn’t see them or, more commonly, refused to see them, until the amassed pressure they felt was so powerful they could nearly forge diamonds from it. In many ways, the foundation of their adulthood crash was laid, brick by well-meaning brick, by what they were told as children about God.
Take Lynn Hybels, who along with her husband, Bill, started Willow Creek Community Church in 1975, today one of the nation’s most innovative ministries. In her book Nice Girls Don’t Change the World, she describes a spiritual heritage that unintentionally makes children timid and passive, kids who do not make the world a better place. They are handicapped adults and ineffective Christians.
Hybels grew up in a small
Her training gave her “an uncanny ability to keep almost everybody happy almost all the time,” thought she didn’t truly seem happy herself. As a little girl, she was always smiling, though she doesn’t remember ever hearing herself laugh. No one would have ever accused her of being “wildly in love with life,” but she had “such a nice smile.” She remembers being a very caring person, “though in a passive sort of way.” She was “not the type to turn the world upside down.”
She always felt God was judging her and making her conform to a list of rules.
At age ten I traded my ballet slippers for a flute because I had been taught that dancing was a sin but making music was an acceptable form of worship…If there were rules to follow, I followed them. If there were pleasures to give up, I gave them up. If there was work to do, I did it. I was determined to earn God’s love.
She received the kind of education that derails adult life. She eventually grew despondent, exhausted, and depressed.
I was 39 years old when I walked into my counselor’s office and said, “I’ve been working so hard to keep everybody else happy, but I’m so miserable I want to die.” I spent the decade of my forties digging out of that hole. Now, nearly midway through my fifties, I’ve discovered that growing up is an ongoing process—I have no yet arrived. Still, I have learned some things on the journey to becoming a good woman.
Part of this spiritual journey was figuring out what her gifts were—and what they weren’t. She made halfhearted stabs to bring her life more in line with her gifts, but her training interfered with her ability to forge a more God-glorifying life. True to her nice Christian girl script, she didn’t ask for help and, though she was surrounded by insightful and helpful Christians, she made sure not to inconvenience others with her frustrations or doubts, and she felt obligated to do whatever others asked her to do—regardless of whether or not she could do it well.
Lynne Hybels, a dyed-in-the-wool Christian Nice Girl, spent decades ignoring, neglecting, and denying her true gifts and passions, which drained her of the very vitality to which her husband was first drawn. She felt “incompetent and insecure. So my husband didn’t win” either. Nor did her children. “They didn’t get a joyful mother. They didn’t get a fun mother. They didn’t get to see, up close and personal, a woman fully alive in God.”
Like so many believing adults with a similar upbringing, she knew what she should do but lacked the backbone to do it.
God gave me a unique perspective and worthy dreams. God gave me words and influence to use for good. But I didn’t use them. I didn’t show up. I might have been there physically, but my gifts—my soul—didn’t show up. I didn’t value what I had to offer enough to actually offer it.
She wasn’t showing up and she didn’t value her talents because she struggled mightily to overcome fear, as every person does when she receives her spiritual legacy. Fear lies to us, concealing the truth about who we are, the gifts we possess, and the goodwill of other people. Fear says we’re too dumb or too amateurish or too wimpy to carry out the good works God puts before us. Fear, Hybels says, told her she “might as well give up.”
Listen to her hard-won insights into the difference between a nice Christian girl and a good Christian woman:
Whereas a girl of any age lives out the script she learned as a child—a script too often grounded in powerlessness—a woman acknowledges and accepts her power to change, and grow, and be a force for good in the world.
Whereas a nice girl tends to live according to the will of others, a good woman has only one goal: to discern and live out the will of God.
A good woman knows that her ultimate calling in life is to be part of God’s plan for redeeming all things in this sin-touched world.
A good woman knows she cannot be all things to all people, and she may, in fact, displease those who think she should just be nice. She is not strident or petty or demanding, but she does live according to conviction. She knows that the Jesus she follows was a revolutionary who never tried to keep everyone happy.
That picture of a good woman made me want to be one. It made me want to grow up and trade the innocuous acceptability of niceness for the world-changing power and passion of true goodness.
Lynne Hybels went outside the advice many Christians receive at church, and it restored her life. After much grappling—which included realizing that for many years her children and husband had not gotten the kind of mother or wife she wished she was—she came out the other end of her training with a new approach toward life.
I’m happy for her, even though I also wish she didn’t have to go through her ordeal. She emerged on the other side wiser and stronger. But others with her spiritual heritage aren’t so fortunate. They struggle through a life that to them is serial disappointment and unending frustration. This is what can happen when someone receives that kind of “nice Christian upbringing.”
Next time: Worm Theology
Paul Coughlin is the author of numerous books, including No More Christian Nice Guy and No More Jellyfish, Chickens or Wimps. He also co-authored a book for married couples with his wife Sandy, titled Married But Not Engaged. His articles appear in Focus on the Family magazine, and he as been interviewed by Dr. James Dobson, FamilyLife Radio, HomeWord, Newsweek, C-SPAN, The New York Times, and the 700 Club among others. Paul is founder of The Protectors, the faith-based answer to adolescent bullying, which provides curriculum for Sunday Schools, private schools, retreats, and individuals that trains people of faith to be sources of light in the theater of bullying.
Visit Paul's websites at: http://www.theprotectors.org, and http://www.paulcoughlin.net
Visit
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Monday, July 21, 2008Protection From Sexual Abuse
When it comes to sexual abuse, keep the following truth in mind: Male family members can deliver your child and you from all kinds of harm, and they can deliver all kinds of harm as well.
No one who’s familiar with my body of writing can say I’m anti-guy. I think men get a bad rap in society, and there is a profound prejudice against them in church. Men are regularly marginalized, lied about, and lampooned with very little outcry. But the body of evidence in this area is simply overwhelming. Heterosexual men commit the vast majority of sexual abuse in
Some say it’s because of how all guys are wired. I contend that it’s the result of the lack of fathering and, with it, the lack of male integrity. The prison population bears this out: Approximately 85 percent of male inmates grew up without fathers. Boys need men to show them how to be men and to help keep them from going over the cliffs of life.
Gavin De Becker says,
[My greatest contribution] to solving the mystery of aberrant behavior is my refusal to call it a mystery. Rather, it is a puzzle; I have seen the pieces so often that I may recognize them sooner than some people, but my main job is just to get them on the table…Above all, I hope to leave you knowing that you never have to wait for all the pieces to be in place before you act.
This is particularly troublesome for parents and kids who think that first and foremost they must be nice (don’t make waves) instead of good (make the right kind of waves), that making a decision before you have all the information might mean hurting someone’s feelings, and that’s what we’re supposed to avoid.
I know people who, without knowing all the “pieces” regarding Y2K, made substantial changes to their financial assets. In hindsight, they overreacted. But they did what they thought was best at the time with something very valuable to them, and they owe no apology for making an important choice without knowing every fact.
For some reason that escapes my understanding many parents think it’s wrong for our children to behave this way or for us to behave this way on behalf of our children. What’s more valuable to us than our kids?! The fact is, if we protected our children the way we protect our assets, most would be better off most of the time. Do we really love money more than our children? No one wants to reach that conclusion, yet why are we willing to ruffle feathers over money and not over our precious boys and girls?
One in three girls and one in six boys will have sexual contact with an adult—usually a family member. About 20 percent of the time, the abuser is an adolescent. According to the National Institute of Mental Health, the average molester of girls will have about fifty victims before being caught and convicted. The average molester of boys will have 150 victims before being caught and convicted. Most will have “plenty after being caught as well, some even victimizing as many as 30 children during their ‘careers.’”
More than 90 percent of the offenders are heterosexual males who gained access to and control of the child. They count on secrecy and nice manners—that is, that your child will do as she is told and not fight back. Sexual predators do more than assault children physically. They hack into their minds and tell them lies are true (“If your mother knew, she’d hate you”). They deliberately try to erode a child’s understanding of healthy boundaries and safety (“If you tell anyone, I’ll kill you”).
Many parents (myself included) have never experienced sexual abuse. That someone would behave so cruelly and diabolically is mind-boggling. But then I analyzed the malicious behavior I have experienced or witnessed in life, and you know what’s remarkable? In every premeditated, malicious act, once the victim talked, the predator attacked the victim’s comprehension of fairness, justice, and decency. Predators, sexual or otherwise do not, without force, admit to their cruelty and deception—they escalate their attack in order to maintain control.
The greatest line of defense against sexual abusers continuing their behavior is for children to know they can bring their problems and concerns to parents and other adults who care for them, and that they are not met with criticism or additional punishment. A child must know that his parents won’t be devastated by anything he tells them. The knowledge that parents are strong enough to deal with whatever happens is a gift millions of today’s adults didn’t grow up with—such that many still haven’t told their parents about abuse they suffered.
Note the words “strong enough.” In order to find the border-crossing between protection and overprotection, we parents need all the strength we can find within ourselves, imparted from others, or given to us from God. When we take action from a position of strength, our perspective is sound, and we are far less likely to underreact or overreact to provocation.
Also, consider signing up for the National Alert Registry to find out where registered sex offenders live in your area. Though this Web site is not foolproof (some sex offenders get away with not registering themselves), it can provide you with important information. Through www.registeredoffenderslist.org we discovered that one nearby neighborhood has a number of registered sex offenders. Our children don’t play there.
Telling a little girl that no one should touch her in the areas a bikini covers is better than nothing but far from sufficient. Some sexual predators don’t even want to touch kids—they want kids to touch them.
When we tell kids to beware of “sick people in the world,” some think predators are those who cough all the time and have runny noses. When we tell them “bad people” hurt kids, they have no reason to be cautious with family members. What kid thinks a family member is “bad?”
Euphemisms make life more dangerous for kids. They kick sand over the line we’re trying to find. Be straightforward. Tell your children that others should not:
~Put their hands down your pants or up your skirt
~Touch your private parts, even through clothes or pajamas
~Ask you to touch their private parts or ask you to remove their clothes
~Take off your clothes
~Take pictures of you with your clothes off
~Take off their clothes in front of you
~Show you pictures/movies of people doing sexual acts
~Talk about sexual behavior with you
Child predators bank upon our nice, non-assertive responses so common among “good” Christians. And since many are people we know, including family members, we give them all the education they need about us. They test our boundaries to see whether or not we possess a protective power. Do you?
Being a Christian doesn’t mean hovering above the ugliness of life. It means we are given the weapons necessary to face wickedness with the hope of creating something good in its place. Notice I didn’t use the euphemism tools, a common word for this work. Law enforcement doesn’t use tools to protect the peace. When weapons are required, parents shouldn’t use tools either.
Violence is a fact of life. You aren’t required to use violence in response to it. But if you want to be a truly good parent, you must use force and power when they’re needed. Being forbearing in the face of perversion victimizes you and those in your care.
Knowing that most sexual predators are male, I foster in my head a healthy skepticism about every male who comes into our home. I even monitor family members. I look for lives that are out-of-balance, remarks that are out of place and inappropriate. Stares that linger too long, eyes that appear calculating when everyone else’s aren’t. I look for two-faced living, someone who is nice to me but rude to someone else. And I rarely trust someone without a sense of humor.
I subscribe to the belief that lions keep leopards tame. For good or for bad, I’m the guy with the power in my home. I’m the heavy sometimes. When used well, that’s more powerful than actual weapons anyway. And actual weapons won’t stop the kind of abuse we’re combating. But keen perception and perseverance will.
Paul Coughlin is the author of numerous books, including No More Christian Nice Guy and No More Jellyfish, Chickens or Wimps. He also co-authored a book for married couples with his wife Sandy, titled Married But Not Engaged. His articles appear in Focus on the Family magazine, and he as been interviewed by Dr. James Dobson, FamilyLife Radio, HomeWord, Newsweek, C-SPAN, The New York Times, and the 700 Club among others. Paul is founder of The Protectors, the faith-based answer to adolescent bullying, which provides curriculum for Sunday Schools, private schools, retreats, and individuals that trains people of faith to be sources of light in the theater of bullying.
Visit Paul's websites at: http://www.theprotectors.org, and http://www.paulcoughlin.net
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Tuesday, July 15, 2008Spotting and Repelling Adult Predators
Nice people may not be interested in the defiled world of predators, but predators are interested in their children. Adult predators, sexual or otherwise, aim to separate children from their parents and/or from other adults who might stop them. Most kids are not separated at gunpoint or knifepoint; rather they are lured away by those who earn trust in dishonest ways.
Here’s how they earn our trust. (Gavin DeBecker broadly calls these “Survival Signals.”)
Forced Teaming: A predator uses the word we when we isn’t true or accurate. It establishes premature trust and makes a kid feel obligated to stay around this adult. He says things like, “We’re sure in a mess, aren’t we?” Teach your child to say to a stranger, or to someone they know but do not trust, “I didn’t ask for your help, and I don’t want it. Leave me alone.” This isn’t wrong. It’s wise.
Charm and Niceness: In order to deceive, you have to remain at least one step ahead of someone. Charm and niceness can hide intent and give a head start. People who take control of others almost always pretend to be nice in the beginning. Teach your children that “nice” is not the same as good. This is especially important for girls, who are generally expected to be warm and friendly toward adults.
Too Many Details: Con artists often use too many details to tell the story because they know that since it’s not true, the story must be sold. After a while, details can wear down a person’s defenses, as dishonest salespeople know well. Teach your child to consider context by asking herself, Why is this person talking to me in the first place, and why is he telling me so many things?
Typecasting: This involves a slight insult, initially one that’s easy to refute. “You’re one of those kids who’s too scared to disagree with your parents, aren’t you?” It’s designed to get a child on the defensive, breaking down resistance. Teach your child he does not have to answer every question put to him. In some cases, short answers like “Whatever” are appropriate.
Loan-Sharking: Predators will often give a child something (the common example is candy) to make her feel indebted. It can also be advice or sympathy: “Your parents don’t listen to you, do they? I’m glad to listen. I care about you even when others don’t.” Teach your kids not to accept gifts from people who want something in return. Otherwise it’s not a gift—it’s a debt installment.
The Unsolicited Promise: Someone promises to do something for a child who never asked for it but is getting it anyway. Don’t worry. I’ll take care of you.” Promises are used to convince us of an intention, but they are not guarantees. Nor does such a person behave in a way that he will guarantee anything. If he did, it would expose his deceitful intent. When someone provides an unsolicited promise, teach your child to think, You’re right, I am hesitant to trust you. Thank you for making that clear.
Discounting No: Anyone who chooses not to hear the word no is trying to control your child. A frequent (and potentially dangerous) response in this situation is negotiation: “I really appreciate your offer, but let me try to do it on my own first.” Teach your child, instead, to say out loud what she’s really thinking. If that’s “Bug off,” she should say it. Teach her to look a person in the eyes with strength, to walk away, and to be loud if necessary. De Becker says, “You cannot turn a decent man into a violent one by being momentarily rude, but you can present yourself as an ideal target by appearing too timid” (and nice).
If your child never talked to strangers, then he would never talk to a police officer or a store clerk. Telling a kid that strangers are dangerous equates strangers with danger, which prevents kids from finding that line between protection and overprotection. Once again, most predatory behavior toward children involves someone they know; pinning danger on strangers is one of the best ways to destroy a child’s perception of and intuition about true danger. Instead, teach your children to evaluate behavior, specifically strangeness (not necessarily strangers). Teach them to pay attention to stares that last too long, a smile that’s not real, rapid looking away, and other signs of discomfort.
If a stranger talks to you and your child and doesn’t give off warning signs, talk with your child about why you felt safe around that man, and also what would have made you feel unsafe around him.
If your kid is lost in public, train him to ask a woman for help before asking a man. This does not contradict the fact that a mother is more likely than a father to physically abuse her child. This is not her kid, and, furthermore, it’s highly unlikely that she’s a sexual predator. According to De Becker, a woman is more likely to stay involved in a lost child’s trouble until it’s resolved; a man is more likely to let authorities handle the problem.
Kids should know that it’s okay to be “mean.” In fact, being good sometimes requires you to be “mean” to others. “Mean” in this context means conflict, which isn’t always mean. Children need our help understanding this, because they are wired to seek the approval of adults, even when adults don’t deserve it. Predators bank on that.
This is hard for Christian parents to accept if they believe it’s wrong to use verbal and physical force. But read just the first few chapters of Mark’s gospel and tell me Jesus didn’t believe in or enter into deliberate conflict. Saying that Jesus (and, by default, Christianity) denounces conflict is like saying Karl Marx was a capitalist.
When it comes to self-protection, conflict is good. It does not mean retaliation. It means telling your kid it’s okay to rebuff an adult and even injure one if needed. It’s okay to yell and to otherwise make a scene—teach your child to yell, if he or she is being grabbed, “This is not my father!” (or mother). That’s likely to get a bystander to step in, since most assume a child is being escorted by a parent.
Regarding authority, a child’s view toward it can be dangerous in two key areas. If he questions authority too much, he will be blackballed by adults, who will find him unnecessarily contentious, and his peers won’t like him much either. But if the child is too trusting of all authority, he sets himself up to become a naïve victim.
Paul Coughlin is the author of numerous books, including No More Christian Nice Guy and No More Jellyfish, Chickens or Wimps. He also co-authored a book for married couples with his wife Sandy, titled Married But Not Engaged. His articles appear in Focus on the Family magazine, and he as been interviewed by Dr. James Dobson, FamilyLife Radio, HomeWord, Newsweek, C-SPAN, The New York Times, and the 700 Club among others. Paul is founder of The Protectors, the faith-based answer to adolescent bullying, which provides curriculum for Sunday Schools, private schools, retreats, and individuals that trains people of faith to be sources of light in the theater of bullying.
Visit Paul's websites at: http://www.theprotectors.org, and http://www.paulcoughlin.net
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