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Thursday, September 4, 2008Proof Positive That God Wants You to Read My Book
If you were a Christian retailer---that is, if you sold or had any commercial interest in Christian books, CD's, DVD's, and so on---you would faithfully (so to speak) read Christian Retailing magazine. And so recently you would have read there this review of Being Christian, the book authored by Famous Christian Personality Stephen Arterburn and me, which is just now out in stores:
"Being Christian: Exploring Where You, God, and Life Connect, Arterburn’s latest offering, written with co-author John Shore (I’m OK – You’re Not ), pushes the author into new territory. The work is written as a Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) book on faith, a veritable primer of theology for the layperson.
"Being Christian is divided into two main sections, with 'God Inside' focusing on issues such as one’s relationship with self and others, and 'God Outside,' delving into the Bible and the church. It tackles the questions not only of Christians, but also of agnostics, atheists and adherents of other faiths.
"The authors also provide sage advice on choosing a church, selecting a Bible translation, praying for one’s enemies and many other topics, even explaining the difference between a 'fundamentalist' and an 'evangelical.' Especially helpful is their survey of the entire Bible and profiles of important figures from the Old Testament. [For examples, see below.]
"Arterburn and Shore write in a conversational, humorous voice, but deliver solid content. Being Christian will benefit new believers as well as veterans of the faith." –--Christian Retailing
So. Lovely.
As to those "especially helpful profiles of important figures from the Old Testament," here's an excerpt from the book:
Q. Who are some of the main/most important people in the Old Testament?
A. Here you go:God Created the universe. Quite famous. Is watching you right now. Back in the day, chose to reveal and very much involve himself in the life of the Israelites. Being people--which is to say, being extremely independent and stubborn--they tended to have real mixed feelings about that.
Adam Hebrew word meaning “man.” It wasn’t his fault that he ate the apple. (See Question #?, “What is original sin?” on page ?) Eve made him eat it. Famous quote: "The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it."
Eve Hebrew word meaning “life-giver.” It wasn’t her fault that she and Adam apple-gnoshed. Satan made her do it. Famous quote: "The serpent deceived me, and I ate."
Satan Guilty! Forever! Needs to be executed, ASAP. The first of his two big appearances in the Old Testament is in the Garden of Eden. (Famous quote, from Genesis 3:4, where he’s explaining to Eve why it’s perfectly all right for her to eat the fruit God has forbidden her and Adam: “You surely will not die. For God knows that when you eat of it your eyes will be opened, and you will be like God, knowing good and evil.” What a slime bag.) His second big OT appearance happens in the book of Job, when Skank Boy makes a bet with God that he can break Job. (His famous quote there is from Job 1:7, where he answers God’s question of where he’s come from with, “From roaming through the earth, and going back and forth in it.” Can’t you just feel the ooze dripping of that cretin?)
Cain Adam and Eve’s first born son. He killed his younger brother, Abel. Famous quote (from when, in Genesis 4:9, God asks him where Abel is): “Am I my brother’s keeper?”
Abel Seemed like a nice guy. Certainly deserved a better fate.
Noah First, while busily constructing his ark, he was the subject of much derision and merriment. Later, not so much. Famous, pretty-much-wraps-it-up quote from Bible about him: “And Noah did all that the LORD commanded him.”
Abraham Descendant of Noah. Patriarch of the Hebrew race. God established his covenant (that is, made his sacred promise) with Israel by saying to Abraham (in Genesis 17:6-8), “I will make you very fruitful; I will make nations of you, and kings will come from you. I will establish my covenant as an everlasting covenant between me and you and your descendants after you for the generations to come, to be your God and the God of your descendants after you. The whole land of Canaan, where you are now an alien, I will give as an everlasting possession to you and your descendants after you; and I will be their God.” And that’s the beginning of the long process by which the man formerly known as Abram became “Father Abraham.” Famous, heartbreaking quote, said to his beloved son Isaac just as he was about to behead him in obedience to God’s command to do that very thing, and in response to Isaac’s asking him about the whereabouts of the lamb he thought they were preparing to sacrifice: “God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son.”
Sarah Abraham’s wife. One extremely durable trooper. Famous quote (upon overhearing God say that she, an old woman, would become pregnant): “After I am worn out and my husband is old, will I now have this pleasure?”
[And from here we go on through many other Famous Old Testament Characters. This was one of my favorite parts of the book to work on; I loved it.]
Okay! Thanks for reading! I'm off to hang curtain rods in our dining room! Pray I don't drill my thumb into the wall!
Comment here.
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Tuesday, September 2, 2008Labor Day, and Me Not Getting Killed By a Dealer/Pimp
If you think Labor Day is about commemorating all the women who have ever had babies, you're wrong. That's Interdependence Day. (Thankya---thangyaverymuch. I'll be here all post.) Labor Day is where none of us go to our jobs as a way of celebrating how great it is that we have a job.
I personally don't have a job. I write for a living. Which means I don't have to shave. And if you don't have to shave you're not really employed, no matter what G. Everett Koop says. I have had regular, Must Shave jobs, though. In fact I've had over 60 full-time jobs, which I know is Beyond Bonkers. But it's been my confounding experience that people who hire you to do something expect you to do that thing---and that when you don't, they come find you. And then I have to put out my cigarette, or stop eating, or whatever. (I used to smoke. But I quit once I realized how rewarding it was to overeat.)
The first real job I ever had was Recreation Leader. It was summer; I was 15 years old; and the City of Cupertino, California thought they should pay me $3.50 an hour to play in the park, which I would have done for free. The only catch was that I had to wear a whistle---which, again, I would have blown for free. Being a recreation leader is the greatest job I ever had. I don't enjoy knowing that the best job I ever had is one when I was 15, but what can I do? I got paid to eat popsicles. Can it go anywhere but down from there?
The worst job I ever had was selling encyclopedias door to door in the ghettoes of East Oakland. People who live in ghettoes, as it turns out, are not overly interested in acquiring one new volume of knowledge each month for two years at $50 a pop. Instead, what they're interested in is popping you on the side of your head for being so stupid as to suggest that they have $2500 lying around to spend on an encyclopedia.
Actually, I found that selling encyclopedias in ghettos doesn't make people want to beat you up. It makes people feel sorry for you---which makes them invite you into their house, which makes you spend hours hanging out with them and enjoying their refreshments and listening to their awesome music and totally giving up on going back out in the terrible heat and trying to sell encyclopedias.
The Oakland apartment I lived in at the time was below the building's penthouse, which was occupied by a guy who supplied half the cocaine to East Oakland. Half. To all of East Oakland. This was in 1975. I was the only white guy in my building. One day I got stuck in the elevator alone with Leon, the dealer from upstairs. He was, as always, working the full-on Disco Pimp outfit: outsized fur-trimmed hat, shades, shiny blue silk suit, cape, walking stick, Giant Shoes. Now it's kitschy; then, it was Actual Fashion. Leon was about five foot six. I was pretty wholly terrified of him; he had serious power. There never weren't ten Cadillacs in our parking area, driven by some of the endless numbers of people who'd come to see him. Leon, the dealer and pimp in town, was pretty much King of East Oakland.
The job I then had was selling shoes at a Kinney's shoe store, where I got paid in cash every Friday.
When the elevator we were in jerked to a stop, Leon didn't move. He didn't flinch; he didn't wonder why the elevator had stopped or when it might start again; he didn't say a word. He just stayed leaning against the wall, as inscrutable as ever, quiet behind his sunglasses.
I, meanwhile, immediately got involved with trying not to have a heart attack.
At some point Leon slowly turned his head to regard me.
I was seventeen.
I began nodding at him frantically---in the way a parrot might signal a greeting.
"Nice shoes," I said.
Very slowly, and with a maximum lack of expression, Leon brought one finger up to the nose of his sunglasses. He pulled them down a little, the better to see me. He stared at me for what seemed like an eternity.
"You know you white, right?" he said.
I looked down with shock at my arm. "Am I?! My God! I am! What the heck am I doing in this neighborhood?Ha, ha, ha. Please don't kill me."
He didn't. He ended up inviting me up to his place. Which turned out to be the most unbelievable thing I've ever seen.
Anyway, right. Labor Day. When none of us has to work. But reading is a lot like work. So let's just stop this right now.
Comment here.
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Sunday, August 31, 2008The Least Interesting Blog Post Ever
Just a quick note to my dedicated eight readers to let them know that as of late my Posting Mojo has been seriously compromised by the fact that, as it turns out, AT&T, my Internet Service Provider, has moved on, relative to networking hardware, past the modem they sent me when I first signed up with them, twelve years ago. It seems they can no longer support my trusty, ancient modem.
The result, alas, is that for two days now I've been truly wireless.
I bought a fresh new modem today (the 2Wire 2701 HG-B, for $100 but who's counting), which tomorrow I will attempt to make do my bidding.
See? Did you think I was kidding when I said this would be the most boring post ever?
You guys know me. I never lie.
Thank you, as ever, for your patience and goodwill.
Comment here.
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Thursday, August 28, 2008The Supermodels of Appliances
- You GO, girls!
Yesterday I was gratified to discover that a surprising number of my readers have fostered a distinct interest in my new home. Right on, sisters (and the occasional brother)! Up With Domesticity! Power to the plumber's helper! Yes, we are able to polish that table! One thing's for certain, we love a good curtain! Let it never be said that we can't make a bed! Give us some hugs, cuz you've seen our rugs! A home cooked meal has the power to heal! No one's a dork who has a clean fork!
Um. Anyway, of particular interest to my friends of the Majestic Domestic set seemed to be our use of pink in our new home.
It's shameless of me to do it, but at this point how can I resist showing you absolute Ground Zero for all things vermilion in our home?
Clearly, I can't.
Shield your eyes from the glory that is our Brand New Washer and Dryer!! These supermodels of the appliance set cost as much as your average space shuttle---and I believe are only slightly less technically sophisticated. Before the washer agitates, it cogitates. Before it can dry, the machine ponders "Why?" These bad boys are the Camus and Sartre of clothing care.
And check out the Utter Pinkatude of their room!
Hey, man. You don't put up Zsa Zsa Gabor in the Bombshell Motel.
For reference's sake, below are photographs of the place I (sometimes) did laundry in the last place I lived.
Ah, the cycles of life.
- Here's a nice view while you're sitting waiting for your clothes
- This machine puts the "rumble" in tumble
- Believe me, when you're in this place, you're acutely aware of your need for change
- I thought it might be fun to sit here. I was wrong.
- Look! A sale on soap!
Comment here.
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Thursday, August 28, 2008Pink! God Is Outraged!
The picture above is of what you see when, in our new home, you're walking up the first set of stairs from our living room.
That's right. It's pink. That's the way we wanted it---and by Gumby, that's the way our extremely intense Korean house painter, Eun Koo Kang, painted it. (I took this picture right after it was painted, to show my wife that day at lunch. You see the painting tarp there.)
Eun Koo, as it turned out, is a Seriously Devout Christian---which means, for instance, that he isn't free to work Sundays, since he spends literally all day at church. Commendable man of faith! It was my estimation of Eun Koo Kang that he also comes fully charged with about all of the testosterone a man can regularly process before he begins to actually grow hair on his internal organs. And while he did an admirable job of hiding his consternation at how willing we were to paint a perfectly good wall pink, he fell just short of displaying true equanimity.
Ever since I've been wondering what, exactly, Eun Koo thought as he applied the first stroke of pink upon the wall that only moments before he had with rather arresting vigor encouraged us to paint, "Any color not crazy."
I figure that what went through Eun Koo's mind as he lifted his glowing brush from the paint can was one or some combination of the following:
1. What's wrong with eggshell?
2. I miss Korea. We're such a sane people.
3. Why does the man allow his wife to tell him what color to paint the walls?
4. Why not just ask me to wear a skirt while I'm painting?
5. They will never know that beneath this paint lies the Korean characters for "God Is Outraged!"
6. This actually looks kind of nice. I was wrong to show my condemnation. Humility is the key to grace. I must remember.
7. It's their money.
8. The husband does have an engagingly animated, very expressive, almost manically creative way about him. Maybe he's fegulah.
Comment/ be surprised by the interest people show in what color other people paint their walls here.
